You and suicide, death and pain.

If you die you let go of everything, you stop holding onto it. You let it go. Which is exactly what you do when you just stop caring about everything.

You have taken life too seriously, that's why it hurts. And I know letting go is very hard since you have held onto it your whole life, it's kinda the only thing you know. But the pain is telling you to let go, to stop caring. Mental pain isn't very different from physical pain: the point is to make you stop* doing whatever it is you are doing to avoid permanent/more severe damage to your being. No point holding onto a barbed wire if you can't fall any further.

It's like clenching your fist: if you clench it long enough it becomes very hard to relax and open your fist. You have been doing this your entire life since the age of 5 or something.

Also, I know it's hard to hear that life doesn't need you, i.e it goes on with or without you. But there's something very comforting in it as well: you don't have to give a fuck, because life will go on. If life doesn't need you, then you are free to do the things you want. You don't HAVE to do anything, but you CAN do something. Just do what you do, enjoy MLP, fap to anime, paint murals with your feces, whatever rocks your boat, do your thing.

You don't have to worry about becoming evil or something, if that worries you then you know what is wrong and what is right, just trust yourself, you don't have to micromanage your every move.

And you are only responsible to yourself, so you don't have to explain yourself. But be mindful that all that happens from now on is your own doing e.g. if you throw rocks at people just because "you don't give a fuck, a person on the internet said so" whatever follows is your own doing.

Another way of looking at letting it all go is to reinvent yourself, let go the parts that cause you pain and keep the parts that cause you joy. Let the old "you" die and become something new entirely (or at least partly. You get the point.)

*(Next time try to do this with a headache: just stop doing everything and you'll notice that the pain goes away too. The point of that pain is stop you doing something, figure out what it is)

Now if I only could heed to my own advice with all this...............................