Waiting it all to be over

"It feels like I'm just biding my time until I eventually kill myself. Anyone else feel the same?"

Yup, just waiting till I make up my mind that I've had enough of it all. Leaving no stone unturned in the meanwhile.. still haven't found nothing under them but pain.. Life just seems to give me more and more reasons to let go. But I've been thinking if it's just my identity that needs to die, you know, when I become someone else "the old me" kinda dies.

A fresh start, Phoenix mythology stuff, leaving everything behind, putting the past behind, starting a new life, leaving the nest, being reborn... maybe that's what's going on, the pain is just me trying to hold on to stuff that are being left behind.

Although a fresh and a new life sounds great, but never wanted to let go of the people I loved(they were magnificent, beautiful, loving, warm, radiant and great people, just not towards me..), but they seem to be pulling away from me no matter what I try to do, it's like I accidentally got on an elevator and now I'm stuck in it while it's going up. Or maybe they are the ones going up and I'm left behind, that would explain their indifference towards me, they are looking at a new horizon and the improvements ahead while scorning me, letting me go because I am a hopeless case.. I seem to be repulsively pathetic to them.. maybe that's necessary for my growth as a person, I can't really rely on anybody so I must learn to rely on myself, and make myself emotionally independed and strong. And the things I feel are growing pains. If holding on to it causes pain, I should let go of it, my feelings for other people are like holding onto a barb wire. I just shouldn't hold onto them anymore.. they sure as hell aren't holding on to me.

But what's there for me then? In life, I mean. I couldn't care less about money and stuff. Being rich and wealthy alone is pointless. So no reason to pursue that venue. People don't care, so that's shit also. I feel like I have the most precious thing one can have, but I have no one to share it with, no one cares about it. I mean everything here, in this world, in our lives, in this lifetime, in this universe is unique and one time deal, they exist only once. They can be experienced only once and then they are gone, forever.. it's kinda sad yet so beautiful and no one cares to see this. People treat others like shit, friends like they can be replaced with another ones, they are busy ignoring everything around them, always looking at the horizon..

God I loved every single one them, the people I knew. My love for them is the thing that kills me, so I let them go before it does. Spending a lifetime with them makes me just love them even more and when they eventually go, the agony would be too much to bear. But now that I'm alone without attachments everything seems pointless.. there's just no way to win in life. Not-to-play isn't an option either apparently..

So here I am waiting.. not entirely sure what exactly..