Wall of text coming up, this is a long one: I myself sometimes remove and clean up everything, like I was getting ready to do it(the suicide). I've been doing it for years, now my possession can fit into a luggage(mostly clothes) or at least it did 6 months ago, before I bought a playstation 4 with VR headset. I used to save money for a trip to Thailand and for the rainy days, then I was like fuck it. If I want to die, nothing like that matters, so I might as well make myself comfortable until I have the courage to do so. Keep myself busy waiting, and enjoying it.
A few week/month long trip to Thailand costs about 2000 €, most of it is flight costs. PS4 with Virtual Reality headset costs about 800-1000 €, lasts much longer, and I have leftover money for a cheaper trip to somewhere else, also months enjoying VR enabled me to make the money back. Soon I might get rid of the console, when it has outlived its purpose.
The point is I threw away EVERYTHING to ready myself for the upcoming suicide, I left the life/identity behind that was causing me suffering. And because there is nothing left of me, I don't really have to fear failure, because there's no one that fails. I don't have to worry what others think of me, because there's no "me" to think of. Other thing I think is worth mentioning is that I find the option of killing myself comforting, that there's always a way out, if I decided that I don't want live anymore.
Another thing is going out for a walk and optionally listening audiobooks, when I walk I think that if this was my last step before I die (from a lightning strike, a jet engine falls from the sky, deranged sniper shoots me, heart attack, rabid squirrels or from whatever reason) how would I make that step. How would I walk if these were the last 10 meters I will ever walk, would sprint through them or would I make the most of them, enjoying every sensation of them, would I care how it looks or would care how awesome I could make it feel for myself? If you had twenty seconds to live, would you try to accomplish something in a panic or would you just embrace the last moment, because there's not enough time to do anything.
Imagine sitting on your computer or looking at your mobile device right now,
can you in anyway make it more comfortable? Don't think what is comfortable, feel and try what is comfortable, release tension from your shoulders, does it feel better? Is there tension somewhere else? Relax. Type slightly more gently and softly, is it more enjoyable?
When you drink a cup of coffee or whatever, don't make it a step to another step, like "I have to finish this coffee, so I can have more energy to [do something]" the coffee is now your final mission, and it has to be done either way, unless you wouldn't be doing it, so make the most of it: lift the cup from the table as enjoyable as you can, lift it softly as you can, let it press against your fingers and hand as softly and enjoyable as you can, as if it almost tickles you (you can make it feel as if your fingers were having an orgasm), keep you your shoulders relaxed as you lift it, let the cup touch your lips as if it was the softest kiss you will ever give, enjoy the feeling of coffee slowly making its way to the tip of your tongue, let it gently touch your lips first, enjoy the smell of it, let the smell caress your senses. Just enjoy it as much as you can.
Same goes for the walking, every step is like you're kissing the ground with your feet(gandhi said something like that?) Don't worry how it looks, it is for your enjoyment, don't you deserve it? Haven't you suffered enough? Is it finally your turn to enjoy life? Don't worry what is expected of you by others, what life is supposed to be in their opinion, don't change your passion for glory (Eye of the tiger) just enjoy everything you do, make it enjoyable, give yourself the enjoyment you deserve. And don't be like "hey cool advice, I'll try it first thing tomorrow" do it now and never stop, you are always doing something, so enjoy it. Hell, I took a piss while writing this, I got up as enjoyable as I could, walked every step to the bathroom with grace, opened the door as gently as I could, touched the light switch as softly as I could, lifted the toilet seat up as effortless and smoothly as I could.. and enjoyed the pissing as much as I could. My thoughts tried to distract me, they were pulling me out of my enjoyment, and the whole thing almost became a "mundane" thing that I should get over with so I can resume writing, my mind tried make it an obstacle, but I ignored it. I was not trying to get "there" because I was already there where I was at every single moment. Where ever you go, you are always "here", and that is what YOU are, enjoy it.
Everything you do should be effortless, because being yourself is something you are, not what you try to do, therefore it is effortless. If it takes effort, you are trying to be something you are not. Do whatever you do in your own way, you know what your way is when it is effortless. E.g. when a fish is being a fish, it becomes natural to it, it is effortless, but when it tries to be a bird it takes effort and doesn't really change the fact it is still a fish pretending to be a bird. Sure it can fly for a moment, but it eventually will fail and fall back to it's true self. And resisting the force pulling it back to its true self will take effort, thus causing stress and fatigue. It can even become eaten by the very thing it tries to be, because of that effort. Accept who you are, whatever that is. The depression you feel, is the downward force you feel for trying to go up and trying to stay there. It's the recoil for trying to go too far from yourself. This doesn't mean you can't enjoy jumping up like dolphins do, as long as you remember to be yourself while doing it. They accept when it is time to go back to the water and enjoy the fall without fighting gravity.
Also when you get the idea, do not try to share it, people won't listen. Focus on your own performance. The right words comes of out you at the right time, the right action and the thing to do will come out of you when needed, release the control of yourself and trust yourself to do the right thing, don't stress or worry about your capacity to do evil or being labeled as a coward, just accept it. Believe me, you'll will do the exact things you worry and fear if you try to avoid them. Believe in yourself and trust yourself, being yourself is the best thing you can for others. Trying to be someone else than yourself will eventually burn you out and you'll become a monster. I ended up hurting everyone I ever loved, when I tried to live up their expectations and when I realized that I left before I started to hate them for the suffering I actually caused to myself.
I never told them why I left, no need to let them know about "my great sacrifice" or whatever, they will come up the reason which is easiest for them to accept, so they can move on, without me dragging them down with my childish demands of attention and love I expected to get from my sacrifices. If I believe that I deserve something, it's my job to give it to myself, it's unbelievably arrogant if I expected it to be someone else's job. They have their own happiness to take care of. If others(society, family, friends, gf/bf) expect something from you, they are in a way demanding their happiness from you. And this is where the feeling of worthlessness comes from, you feel shame because aren't making other people happy on your own expense. Doing it on your own expense will make you a monster if you do it long enough, so focus on your own happiness, enjoy the moment and the little things, "the now", the task at hand. This doesn't mean you can't do something for other people, you can if it makes you happy and they deserve it, not because they demand it or shame you to do it ( e.g. "why aren't you doing things for me? Don't you think I deserve to be happy?") If they deserved it they would make themselves happy, not your job. By being happy and enjoying yourself you'll eventually make others happy, be an example, teach others by living and enjoying every moment.
Tl;dr: you are happiness itself, you are what you classify as "love", "good", "right" be those things. And when you realize it, never let go of it.
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