Being alone

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." - Robin Williams
What bothers me about people is that they don't care about others or do "good deeds" unless there's a reward for it or there's a punishment for not doing it. People asking for help when they really don't need it, it's just a tactic for not doing those things themselves.

I watched a few youtube videos about random acts of kindness, or how people were unexpectedly kind on some social experiment(like returning a wallet dropped by someone) and people act like it's a miracle of some sorts. Just think about it: it is worth of a video uploaded to the internet if someone is unselfish, like someone just documented the Loch Ness monster. Is this world worth living if being kind is such a rare sight? Why do we even bother? To what end are we building and keeping all this up? How bad things can be if being kind is worth the astonishment?

I've just awakened to the truth that no one ever cared who I was. Sure people always asked what have I been doing, but every time I wanted to share about my view of things or how I feel about things, (you know the things that make who I am and not what I do) I got shunned, cut off, completely ignored, interrupted, or got just simple one word answer: notinterested.. Iambusy.. Ihavemyownproblems..

This is something that has been the case with everybody throughout my whole life, I have always been alone.. and I have even tried to explain that, but what I got as a response was belittling, although for me this was a big thing. It just didn't matter that it was a big deal for me. Not to my "family", not to my "friends".

By forgiving them time after time, I taught them that it is ok not to care about my feelings. Sure I lost my temper at the moment, but by the next day I had forgiven them, hoping that they'd learned that I was hurt because of their indifference. But the same behaviour kept repeating time and time again, because there were no consequences. I thought people appreciated forgiveness. But from me that was something to be taken for granted. I didn't expect anyone to care about me, because I cared about them, that isn't unconditional. But the hurt and the bad feelings kept piling up because I had no one to talk to, then it all dawned on me: no one cares, not really, they say they do (but only after I lost my tempter, only then I would be taken seriously[and even that was just so to get out of a unwanted situation]). So I decided why bother with others, they wouldn't listen to me anyway and hey.. Ihavemyownproblems to deal with..

I have even been "sold out" by my own family on numerous occasions and by every member of it: I've been deliberately humiliated so they can feel better about themselves (I mean how insecure a person has to be, so that they have to hurt others to gain some false sense self-worth?) or to receive approval of others, to gain friends. How reliable, how durable and how real the friendships gained that way can possibly be? Is it really worth stabbing a person in the back, who doesn't even retaliate the betrayal? Was I that unwanted? Why? Would I've been more valued if I did retaliate, if I showed my ability to hurt and punish? Was I viewed as a pushover just because I took it, because I didn't have it in me and didn't want to hurt others? Are people inherently "evil", and do they behave, stay good and care only because of the fear of punishment? I do understand that risk vs. reward behaviour in bacteria: if you there're no repercussions, and something to gain, you might as well continue. But in people?

Now that I am totally fed up, and started not to forgive anymore, people wonder what's wrong or whatever, (although I've been telling them for years..) I don't want people around me who care because they have to because of the fear of a punishment, missing something or because there's a reward for it. I wanted to be around people who care because they want to. But I have yet to meet such person, and I have lost all hope with that. It hurts me seeing them pleading for forgiveness and tearing up, because of my "relentlessness", but it would all just repeat again. They aren't sorry, not really, it's just a tactic: People just want things to get back to the way things were; which doesn't suit me, because I'm all alone around everyone, so I rather be alone in my own terms. There's no going back, there's nothing to negotiate anymore, so no point talking to them nor explaining why I don't bother with them. There's no point making them regret anything, wanting them to regret implies that there's still a possibility that things will be different, but it's not. They haven't learned so far (>20 years) so it's time to give up and move on. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't regret anything, because after all: nothing of value was lost.

I do accept that maybe I'm not that "careable", not that important or not that useful, but if the relationships with "friends" and "family" are based on needs and benefits, then I have no need for those relationships. I value something more than just the physical existence, something more than money, food, social status(which is a funny thing, I don't get it.. Why it is important to be noticed by people who REALLY don't care about you? What do you do with that acceptance?)

If life is nothing than one upping other people, judging them by their social, monetary, utility value and the caring is based on those, then I rather be alone, or even not to live on this planet anymore. More important, why would I care about anyone, if the caring goes to waste? Why would I care about people who don't care anyone else but themselves. If those are the values they want, then let them have those.

I have heard arguments like:
"You are full of shit.. I have bought you this and that.. I've shown that I care.." I don't care about those things, and you'd know that if you'd just listened me, you know like: asked what I like, what do I prefer, got to know me. Who I am. What do I value.  I don't care about trinkets, or getting gadgets or anything like that, I don't care about money, I care about caring. But maybe that's too much to ask.

I don't think any of my "friends" actually know my favourite movies, video games or books, my favourite food. What is my dream job? How would I spend my holidays? What countries I have visited? Who do I admire, who are my role models(real or fictional) and why? Even my hobbies are a complete mystery to most of them. What music do I listen? What's my favourite artist? Do I have tattoos? No one ever bothered to ask. (I didn't tell because I have been ignored for far less) It's too late for that now anyway. And the twist here is: that I know most of those things about my "friends". And most of them I didn't have to ask for, I noticed them, like all the little quirks in their personalities and habits.

I am not mad at people, not anymore, I've just realized that teaching others about caring and telling them about myself, is like trying to tell a fish that it is a fish and it swims in the water. And after that it's like trying to make the fish to become a bird. It's just not in them. It's unfair from me to expect that from them. Caring just isn't in people. It's just the way they are and it's just something that I have to accept. I'm mad at myself for fooling myself that I wasn't alone all this time and for not realizing this sooner. Like 10 years ago, 15, 25 years ago? Yeah that's how stupid one can be.

Why I wrote this? Because if there's someone out there experiencing the same, this for you: stop wasting your time and sacrificing yourself, it's very noble idea to bring into this world and everything (I know, believe me I really do), but things aren't gonna change if you keep repeating the same. You are lying to yourself. People don't value things that you give them in abundance, they'll only value it after it's gone, just like the air we all breathe. Although rarity increases value, in this case, if they never noticed your presence, they probably don't even notice your absence.

If you've always been there to tie your kid's shoelaces, he/she will never learn to do it by themselves, when you are not around.

Just give yourself the things you wanted to give others, at least you value those things. We are alone from birth to death, don't fool yourself to believe otherwise.