On hopelessness and meaninglessness of life

> I live a very isolated life. People tell me it is intentional, but I always thought this is where i was headed all my life.

I can actually relate with the things you say; I have accepted that not being isolated was never for me. I have accepted that I will always be alone one way or another, and once you accept that you'll notice that is actually very empowering e.g.: no one is dragging you, you can always go at your own pace, no one is there to judge you (and even if there was, you really don't have to care)

> I am just gonna go since I did not choose to be born so I should be given atleast a respectable choice to end it when I am old enough.

I know this might sound a bit... unconventional.. but do you have an actual method at hand? To me having "an exit" available gives a great relief: I really don't have to worry about anything because if it all becomes unbearable I can always end it. I can try out things without having to live with the consequences, like permanent injuries to my body, fucked up financial situations, homelessness, shame.. I can take risks without fear. When things go bad, I can always comfort myself with an exit: I can go whenever I want so why don't I try one more time, or try something else?

Another thing to note is that if you are really willing to give up on life, then why do you care anymore? Why take things seriously? Why stress about it?

> I have my brain to live with and I despise it.
Try to ignore it, mine really doesn't have anything nice to say to me, so I just stopped listening to it: "Come back to me when you something valuable to say to me, something I actually want to hear" but it still keeps going on, so I just tune out; I just don't care.

If you are open minded and have a tad of spiritualism in you, think of it like this way: If you have been paying attention to the world around you, you've probably noticed that life is VERY efficient, very energy conservative; it kinda does only what it needs to do, nothing more, nothing less, so you wouldn't be here if life/universe/reality didn't need you, if you weren't essential for it to have, if it wasn't dependent on your existence: your individual experience has a reason for its existence, otherwise it wouldn't exist. (Note: That I myself can truly see this at the edge of despair, when I have given up, then it reveals itself, it's like life says "You done screwing around?")

Do you know the reason for physical pain; why does it hurt when you do something that damages your body? It's the body's way to signal you that you are doing something wrong, it is there to make you stop doing what you are doing, because it's not what you are supposed to be doing. It's is there to prevent more severe damage. Mental pain is no different: you are doing something wrong and that's why it hurts. You are going in the wrong direction, you are pushing against something you shouldn't be pushing against. Listen to your feelings, figure out what are you doing wrong.

Life is telling you to move your hand away from the hot plate, it is waiting for you.

Don't try to tell life what it should or should not be, let it do the talking, let it show you. You don't shape life, life shapes you. Let it (but only if your feelings agree)